As the new year begins I'm going to try something called "one word." Instead of resolutions, having just one word to keep in mind for the year.
For me, that word has to be thankful. God has been pressing it on my heart for months, like an offering of salve. And I'm afraid to say, I've been pushing it away.
What do you mean, 'be thankful', God? How am I supposed to be thankful in all these hard things?
As I look over the last year, there were things that were easy to be thankful for: our wedding, my husband, and all those who helped us put the wedding together. As I moved with Luke into Albania, it was easy to be thankful for the people who are supporting us and the ministry here. We wouldn't make it without these people who believe in what we are doing. Truly I am thankful for God's provision through them. Encouraging words are another thing that it is natural, normal, and obvious to be thankful for. Who doesn't like to hear something positive? I'm thankful when I see God moving in the village, when I see lives changing. In those moments, it's easy to see that God is good.
But what about the things that are harder to find gratitude for?
I confess I held onto a lot of ingratitude in 2014.
My long awaited joys -- of being married and of being on the mission field -- held more grief than I had ever imagined. I had dreamed so long of both that I could no longer see how the combination worked. Now married and 6,000 miles from home, the view was much clearer. I had a wonderful husband and knew that this is where God led me, but I felt like I lost myself in the process. Everything I knew was different now.
Allowing bitterness to seep in around the edges, which ought to have been guarded by thankfulness, made it even harder to find things to be thankful for. And now, in hindsight, I can see how many mountains I've made of molehills.
Many people right now are living through much worse… but I'm realizing that perspective is not truly thankfulness either. It's the "eat your food, there are starving children in _(fill in the blank)__" response. It's a reality check, but it's not thankfulness.
There is legitimate grief in leaving behind my culture, my family, my friends, the privilege of worshiping God with others in my own language. But grief must be a milepost, not a destination. If I want to move through the grief and live in the light of eternity, I cannot and must not allow bitterness to continue.
Forgive me, God.
How often have I read the passages of scripture that talk about thankfulness and just skimmed the surface?
"Give thanks in all things, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
I'm not sure if I could miss that one even skimming the surface. How much time have I spent in my life asking God what His will is for me? I have to laugh now… I imagine Him shaking his head, lovingly of course, saying to me, step one Lydia… I've given you step one and marked it already with "this is the will of God" so you can't miss it. After you start practicing that one we'll move on to step two.
It took seven years for me to arrive in Albania as a full time missionary after God called me to go to Eastern Europe. During those seven years I had so many questions about God's will… where should I go? What should I do? Did God want me to go as a single woman? Could I handle that? If not, who would want to marry someone who feels called to Eastern Europe? How is it all going to work out, God?
Through it all, God's gentle answer was simple: trust me.
And now with the where, what, when, and with whom all answered, He's challenging me to trust Him in a deeper way. With thankfulness. Why? Because "this is the will of God."
Focusing on my frustrations makes gratitude difficult. Too difficult to do a "thankfulness challenge" on Facebook. Too difficult to see past those frustrations to the real joys God has given me, some that are new in this place and some that never change: that I am a beloved child of God. That's a joy that need never grow old.
Over the past year I've felt stuck in thankfulness. Sure, I could be grateful for all the beautiful things around me and grateful for Luke who loves me even when I'm not always fun to live with.
I'm seeing now what a difference it would have made in my life last year to embrace the idea of IN all things give thanks. That's a different place to be than giving thanks FOR all things. Because if I were honest with myself, I'd see that everybody has frustrations in their lives.
Thankfulness looks at the faithfulness of God. Bitterness sets up my expectations as a god.
I know I've read this before in the Bible… about thankfulness apart from circumstances. Thankfulness as a choice. Even thankfulness as a sacrifice.
The sacrifice of praise… means the fruit of my lips giving thanks to His name. (Hebrews 13:15)
I wasn't faithful in this in 2014, but God is faithful to bring me back to the truth.
thankful
In the midst of difficulty, and in the midst of anxiety and loneliness, God's response is to bring us back to thankfulness. And that comes with a promise.
Do not be anxious for anything, but in all things present your requests to God with thanksgiving and the peace of God will fill your hearts. (Philippians 4:5)
When I need peace what I need to do is look to God and be thankful.
Not look at my circumstances. Not look at the circumstances of those around me and be thankful that at least I'm not them. But to look to God. To find my value and joy and assurance in Him, quite apart from circumstances.
I hope that 2015 will be marked by this.
So to start out a new year… I'm thankful for new beginnings.
